No Baby..... :(

Well as you can see by my title for this post, I am not pregnant! :( I know I was really getting my hopes up that I was, I know the chances of it happening the first time through fertility are pretty slim but I was really hoping we would have been blessed.

It has been a pretty hard week for me emotionally dealing with this. Terry and I have wanted a child for so long together and as time just keeps going on and on it just seems like less and less it is going to happen for us.

Terry is the best man a women could ask for. In my dark days here he really just kept telling me no matter what happens we have each other and to him that is all that matters. Yes us having children would be GREAT, but when it comes down to it all he needs is me. I really don't know what I would do without him, then again I know he feels the same about me!

It is great having a wonderful marriage where him and I can communicate so openly. Never in my life have I every had a realationship where I have really felt I can speak my mind. Sure things are not always peaches and cream, but that is just it, where a lot of people when they have something on there mind, or get in an argument they never resolve it a lot of the times. Terry and I, if we get into a disagreement, upset, fight - whatever you want to call it we will sit down and tell each other how it made us feel, why, and work it out. To have that kind of commitment from someone really means a lot.

Now I love my husband dearly, but the one thing that still does cause a lot of disagreements is that it is just a lot of talk. When something does go wrong, I get countless promises of change to never really happen. He is working on that but if I asked for anything of him it would to be to put a greater effort into making changes, Lord knows I have for him. (quiting smoking for good being one of them)

As you can see with my blog I tend to get side tracked. But that is me, I will start talking about onething and just change to another and then go back. Sometimes you just need to ask me for a road map as to where I am going.... LOL!

This is my thoughts and feelings so I am going to put them out here how every I see fit! :)

Now back to last week...

By mid week I and Terry really thought I was preggo. I mean all these symptoms (during this time of month I know God is a man, only a man could make all the symptoms of PMS and being Pregnant the same! LOL just my thought!) So Tuesday night I had Terry get me a generic test to see what would happen. Took it when he got home and got a positive. Terry and I were estatic for the evening but I said I was going to take the one name brand I had left to see what happened the next morning. So Wednesday morning I got up with him and took the test....NEGATIVE!!!! I was so crushed. Terry was still positive I was and said to just wait a few more days. I just had this feeling I would not have to as it just felt like the wicked witch was about to show her evil head. Sure enough that afternoon my flo started.

At first it was different then any other flo I have had. But I still did not think I was preggo but Terry wanted to keep the hope alive a little longer. By Thursday my flo was full force! I was so crushed. All I could do most of the day was cry. Thinking am I ever going to be able to have kids of my own and why am I being punished. I know I would be a wonderful Mother and know that Terry is a great Dad. I had Terry come home from work at his normal time so I could cry into his arms. I was to the point that at least Terry has a son, someone already to call him Daddy, how I just want a child and to hear someone call me Mommy.

Terry's response to this is that if Zachery was given the chance he would most likely call me Mommy as well, but I don't want to have him do that. Once he gets older if he wants to call me Mom to by all means I will love that, since I really feel as he is my own as well, and by NO MEANS am I trying to take over Tammy (z's mom) position, but he does have two Moms in my eyes. Just as if she were to marry and zachery get close to him, Terry would understand if he wanted to call him Dad as well.

Okay well I think I have rambled on long enought for tonight. With the time change I am beat and I got a job, only part time for now, but working for the Home Depot. Not my Jimmie's store but it is close to home and well the people are so nice there. Been in orientation the past two days. I meet some wonderful people, one in particular named Frank. He is an older gentleman, but the world needs more people like him in them. I could sit and just talk with him for hours and listen to him talk about his life experiences for hours. Everyone was at different stores, but I know with him I will make a point of getting out to his store to visit him once in awhile...I meant to exchange numbers with him...don't know if I would ever really call him but it is just so refreshing to meet people that just really get it. That have the same values, thoughts and beliefs as you do. I mean they are not exactly the same, but just refreshing...plus he has the huggable factor. Just they type of big ole teddy bear. In passing you would think don't mess with him, but deep down he is a big old putty cat! LOL I told him the world needs more of him in them and he has touched my life. Even if it was just for two days that I got to spend with him, he has left a lasting impression and that is why this world needs more people like that in them.

Okay with that said I am off to bed...my eyes are burning, itching & dry beyond belief...I HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR...damn pollen is driving my eyes CRAZY!!! I need to get some eye drops tomorrow before I burn my eyes out!

My new closing from now on is going to be...

Together we can make this world a better place, mark you place in this world by taking a stand for what you believe in...help make someones life a little easier and you will see the change you will make!

Oh yeah I forgot, GOOOOOOO JIMMIE JOHNSON!!!! My 3 peat boy out in Vegas...I just may have to talk Terry into going out there for the race next year. Just because I am working for Tony's store does not mean I am going to cheer for Tony...he may move up on my list of drivers....but Jimmie is still my MAN!!! (and what a good looking man at that! - yes husband knows I think he is HOT!)

Okay goodnight all...

XOXO -
Cortney