Can we get some good news ever???

So today we got some bad news in regards to Terry’s health. About 7 months ago when Terry and I went for an eye exam, the doctor informed Terry that the blood vessels in his eyes were enlarged; possible meaning that something (like a tumor) was constricting them. So Terry was referred to a neuro ophthalmologist. For a few weeks I was freaking out about what else could go wrong. I mean we were just figuring out how to deal with his kidney failure and now this a possible brain tumor. So Terry was sent for a scan etc. So for a few weeks it was just nail biting trying to figure out what was going on. Not to mention me being a basket case, crying how I don’t want to lose him…WHICH I don’t! So when the results came back they did not locate any tumor. So we were relieved but the doctor warned just because nothing was detected does not mean there is nothing there so Terry was scheduled for a follow up visit for today. Well the eye test shows that there has been and ever so slight change to Terry’s view of vision, his blind spot is getting bigger. So flags are going up again, plus the vessels are still enlarged.

So what does that mean now…Terry has to go for a spinal tap in the next few weeks and then a visit for the results in 5 weeks. They need to check the pressure in Terry’s spine and eyes to see what is going on. I understand the better be safe then sorry, but really how much can one couple go through.

I mean a failed IUI and clomid round, then finding out about how going back on home dialysis might not work, to figuring out when to go ahead with the surgery to get that started back up and the fear of that infection flaring up and now this, still the possibility that he has a tumor or some sort of fluid build up in his brain. Could explain a lot of things I guess. KIDDING…for the most part! J

I just don’t know what to do…to top it all off Terry and I have been so sick this week with coughing, sore throats etc…I just want to stay in bed the rest of the week with him and make everything better.

I mean the next few months are just not going to be easy. With him going for a spinal tap which has to be done before April 4th when we leave for Vegas to coming back and him going right into the hospital for the catheter change and then getting the results of the spinal tap to watching him for this infection to flare up, April and May just are not going to be pretty. I fear I am going to have a nervous break down of some sort. I know I am strong…but even the strongest person has a breaking point.

My dreams of being a Mother are being put on hold, this time I think it will be for awhile, I just can’t see trying to bring a child into this world with everything that Terry and I are dealing with. I guess that is part of the reason God has not yet blessed us with children together. He knows I have enough on my plate dealing with Terry and who knows what might happen down the road.

I am trying to stay positive about his health and support him…but I need support too. I just want to cry, scream and shout sometimes how life is not fair and why is God doing this to us. I just want someone to listen to me and my fears and understand where I am coming from. Terry hates it when I get down because he stays so positive it will always work out. Rarely have I seen him get scared, or down or even depressed about what he is dealing with. That is why I really believe sometimes he is not dealing with it. Still when I get like this I can’t ask him for support…I am suppose to be supporting him not the other way around. Plus he does not know how it feels on my end.

I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I just feel like curling up in bed and sleeping and waking up to everything being perfect. Oh why oh why can’t it be that way…where is my fairy Godmother to grant me all my wishes. Where is that angel that is supposed to be watching over me, watching over us?

I know I should change my thinking to feeling blessed about what I do have, which is more then some. I am blessed with a very loving husband who would give the world to me if I asked. I have a loving step son who means the world to me. I have a roof over us and food in the fridge. We may not have much money but we have enough to survive.

Terry may be ill, he may not be with me till we are old and gray, who knows I may pass before him. It just reminds me days like today that no matter what, you never know what life has in store for you. You only live once, do what you want; say what you have to say and live with no regrets for tomorrow may never come. Never pass on the chance to tell someone you love them or you are sorry or thank them for what they have done. Forgive those that have done you wrong and let go of the hurt that you hang onto because I know it does nothing but bring more sorrow.

So with that being said…I am sorry for all of those in my life that I have ever caused any pain by my words, actions, etc.

For those of you that have done me wrong that I hold onto that pain trying to figure out why you would do that to me, I forgive you and at the same time I thank you for what every memories we made.

I don’t regret anything about my life, if I had to do it all over again I would do it the same. From now on I choose to live…and live for my husband and do what every we can to enjoy our lives together however long it may be.

Live Love & Laugh the 3 L’s to live by!
XOXO
Cortney

No Baby..... :(

Well as you can see by my title for this post, I am not pregnant! :( I know I was really getting my hopes up that I was, I know the chances of it happening the first time through fertility are pretty slim but I was really hoping we would have been blessed.

It has been a pretty hard week for me emotionally dealing with this. Terry and I have wanted a child for so long together and as time just keeps going on and on it just seems like less and less it is going to happen for us.

Terry is the best man a women could ask for. In my dark days here he really just kept telling me no matter what happens we have each other and to him that is all that matters. Yes us having children would be GREAT, but when it comes down to it all he needs is me. I really don't know what I would do without him, then again I know he feels the same about me!

It is great having a wonderful marriage where him and I can communicate so openly. Never in my life have I every had a realationship where I have really felt I can speak my mind. Sure things are not always peaches and cream, but that is just it, where a lot of people when they have something on there mind, or get in an argument they never resolve it a lot of the times. Terry and I, if we get into a disagreement, upset, fight - whatever you want to call it we will sit down and tell each other how it made us feel, why, and work it out. To have that kind of commitment from someone really means a lot.

Now I love my husband dearly, but the one thing that still does cause a lot of disagreements is that it is just a lot of talk. When something does go wrong, I get countless promises of change to never really happen. He is working on that but if I asked for anything of him it would to be to put a greater effort into making changes, Lord knows I have for him. (quiting smoking for good being one of them)

As you can see with my blog I tend to get side tracked. But that is me, I will start talking about onething and just change to another and then go back. Sometimes you just need to ask me for a road map as to where I am going.... LOL!

This is my thoughts and feelings so I am going to put them out here how every I see fit! :)

Now back to last week...

By mid week I and Terry really thought I was preggo. I mean all these symptoms (during this time of month I know God is a man, only a man could make all the symptoms of PMS and being Pregnant the same! LOL just my thought!) So Tuesday night I had Terry get me a generic test to see what would happen. Took it when he got home and got a positive. Terry and I were estatic for the evening but I said I was going to take the one name brand I had left to see what happened the next morning. So Wednesday morning I got up with him and took the test....NEGATIVE!!!! I was so crushed. Terry was still positive I was and said to just wait a few more days. I just had this feeling I would not have to as it just felt like the wicked witch was about to show her evil head. Sure enough that afternoon my flo started.

At first it was different then any other flo I have had. But I still did not think I was preggo but Terry wanted to keep the hope alive a little longer. By Thursday my flo was full force! I was so crushed. All I could do most of the day was cry. Thinking am I ever going to be able to have kids of my own and why am I being punished. I know I would be a wonderful Mother and know that Terry is a great Dad. I had Terry come home from work at his normal time so I could cry into his arms. I was to the point that at least Terry has a son, someone already to call him Daddy, how I just want a child and to hear someone call me Mommy.

Terry's response to this is that if Zachery was given the chance he would most likely call me Mommy as well, but I don't want to have him do that. Once he gets older if he wants to call me Mom to by all means I will love that, since I really feel as he is my own as well, and by NO MEANS am I trying to take over Tammy (z's mom) position, but he does have two Moms in my eyes. Just as if she were to marry and zachery get close to him, Terry would understand if he wanted to call him Dad as well.

Okay well I think I have rambled on long enought for tonight. With the time change I am beat and I got a job, only part time for now, but working for the Home Depot. Not my Jimmie's store but it is close to home and well the people are so nice there. Been in orientation the past two days. I meet some wonderful people, one in particular named Frank. He is an older gentleman, but the world needs more people like him in them. I could sit and just talk with him for hours and listen to him talk about his life experiences for hours. Everyone was at different stores, but I know with him I will make a point of getting out to his store to visit him once in awhile...I meant to exchange numbers with him...don't know if I would ever really call him but it is just so refreshing to meet people that just really get it. That have the same values, thoughts and beliefs as you do. I mean they are not exactly the same, but just refreshing...plus he has the huggable factor. Just they type of big ole teddy bear. In passing you would think don't mess with him, but deep down he is a big old putty cat! LOL I told him the world needs more of him in them and he has touched my life. Even if it was just for two days that I got to spend with him, he has left a lasting impression and that is why this world needs more people like that in them.

Okay with that said I am off to bed...my eyes are burning, itching & dry beyond belief...I HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR...damn pollen is driving my eyes CRAZY!!! I need to get some eye drops tomorrow before I burn my eyes out!

My new closing from now on is going to be...

Together we can make this world a better place, mark you place in this world by taking a stand for what you believe in...help make someones life a little easier and you will see the change you will make!

Oh yeah I forgot, GOOOOOOO JIMMIE JOHNSON!!!! My 3 peat boy out in Vegas...I just may have to talk Terry into going out there for the race next year. Just because I am working for Tony's store does not mean I am going to cheer for Tony...he may move up on my list of drivers....but Jimmie is still my MAN!!! (and what a good looking man at that! - yes husband knows I think he is HOT!)

Okay goodnight all...

XOXO -
Cortney

1 week down...1 more to go...

Well today is the end of the first week...possible the first week of being pregnant!!!

I am trying to not overreact it...but since yesterday things have felt different with me. I was crampy then last night I had what appears to have been some very light spotting which means implantation!!! Today I have felt like I have a cold coming on, peeing alot, emotional, and sore bb's. Also tingle to touch...okay TMI to some I am sure.

But I am hopeful this is our month...so is Terry but a lot has been going on with that....so here is a post that I posted in one of my message boards...DH means Dear Husband!

When things can't get any worse...

Okay this may be a bit of a long one...Here is a bit of a time line:

4/2005 = DH & I married5/2005 = DH visits my PCP and blood work comes back showing kidney function "extremely" elavated.

7/2005 = DH dx in kidney failure, find out that kidneys covered in over 85% scar tissue and only functioning at about 17% told to start planning to go onto dialysis in the next 6 months to 2 years

11/2005 = lose DH mother to cancer, possible lupus which would explain DH kidney failure (because at this point they don't know what caused it)

1/2006 = DH numbers rapidly drop to functioning around 11% told going on dialysis within next month3/2006 = first surgery to put pd catherter in, goes in lower abdomen into peritonel cavity.4/2006 = INFECTION FOUND!!!! Remove first put in second.

5/2006 = dialysis not work...pd allows my DH to do it at home, overnight while we sleep, machine is erroring about 15 times a night so we were getting no sleep on top of that the fluid going in was not coming out which is not a good thing.

So at this time DH was always running fevers, looked run down, pale, blue at times, and always chilled. About mid May one evening while out, DH just took a turn for the worse. I mean you could physically see the color just drain from him to looking blue. I took him to the hospital, ER, we got there at about 10 pm, at that time DH had a normal temp, around 2 they rechecked his temp - went up to 101. Finally around 4:30 DH was brought back...he had a fever of 104!!!

He just looked like he was on his death bed, I was crying, upset, etc just too much. I mean all the errors in the ER, first wanting him to open his pd catherter in there, which would cause him to have an even worse infection to trying to get us moved to a room and telling us that transport would be there to move us, so we were moved to the er hall for over an hour. At this point I was going over 24 hours with no sleep and went up to the desk and told them to get him in the room or I will take him there myself.

To which point they got transport down there right away.

For the next few days it was touch and go, he could not break the fever of over 104 degrees. They also changed him from PD to Hemo dialysis, where he has a perma-catherter in his right shoulder. So this meant when he got out of the hospital no more home dialysis, he now needed to go to a dialysis center 3 times a week for treatment for over 4 hours each time.

It really was not fun from March to June. Between me losing jobs because I needed to be there to take care of DH and everything else now DH income will be cut because only being able to work part time.

9/06 = DH has first Perma-catherter replaced. They are only meant to be used for 4 months at a time before they have used their self life.

10/06 = DH 2nd catherter falls out one morning. Wake up to DH telling me to call 911 as it feel out. Turn on the light to see blood everywere. Thank God it was not worse then it was, we were told how lucky he was as the catherter goes into the main artery of his heart, had it done any damage he would have bleed to death. So this counts as near death # 2 on my book for him.

Because of this I lose another job, that I loved and had no warning. They told me they understood what I was going through and supported me so to go in and pick up work to take home and get fired just devestated me.Since putting in the 3rd catherter everything has been fine. DH is almost done with his anitbiotics so he can't wait to get back on PD....this is where I have just been so depressed about...

Yesterday DH and I went to see one of the Doctors that has been dealing with the labs on this infection. The one thing I remember and I kept telling DH about is that once he finishes the antibiotics the infection may still be there. He is not contigious or anything but this infection he got is very rare and VERY hard to kill off.

So when we meet the doctor, she only thought it was about him getting cleared to be put on the transplant list. Which is something else that upsets me...and she said she wanted to watch him over the next 3 months to see how he does as they really don't have a way to test for the infection.

When DH said he also wants to go back on PD asap, she looked frazzled and said you know that after having this infection it is very possible PD won't work for you. To which DH said he knew. This is the first I have heard of this. So that has me upset. I don't want to go through what I went through last year. The doctor said they would be able to find out sooner if he did go back on PD if the infection is gone, because it will flare up again.

So all I am thinking of if the first time did not kill him this time will. And with me just doing my first IUI and then possible having to go through all of this. It is just so upsetting and really has be down. I don't want to lose my husband, he is only 30 years old and has so much to live for. I know he is positive which is good but I just don't know if I have the strength to watch him go through this again. Specially when I have no really support around. No one understands what him or I are going through.

I know I need to meet some support groups for this, but with the PCOS and Infertility part I need support here too.

Thank you for reading...I just want DH to be okay. I know how bad he wants to go back on PD and I do to...I just want more reissurance that it will work and he will be okay.

{{{HUGS}}}Cortney

Since I wrote this, this AM, Terry saw his doctor and asked him about if the infection is still there if it could be worse then the first time. His doctor told him it is possible. In order to tell if he still has the infection is takes 6 weeks to tell...I just don't want to lose him. So I have been a basket case all day. I know how bad he wants this and I want him to do what he will be happy with...I just don't want to lose him and I am scared and it is hard to get him to understand that.

Well here's to 1 week and one more to go....

Love,
Cortney

What I want to do???

Well here I am, middle of the afternoon and still not working. I want to get back to work...but I don't know what to do. I need something flexible so I can deal with Terry when he is not at his best. But my unemployment is going to be running out soon and I have applied for jobs every week, to not really hear anything back.

It is frustating...I want to be a housewife, take care of my family etc, but in todays economy it does not allow for it. Lately again I am finding it hard to get motivated to work on getting our ebusiness running. It just seems like I spend all day in front of this damn computer to get nowhere. I go through supplier after supplier, but selling on eBay has not been that easy and well so many don't want you selling on eBay and then trying to set up our website, I really thought I could set up our own and I have learned some basic html coding, but setting up a web story is not that easy.

I want to get a webstore, it will cost some money and that is where we are at right now. Trying to figure out where and what to do for a webstore where all I have to do is put the images, prices and descriptions on and then use the tools to design it. I just need to get motivated to get it going again...right now it is hard to...Terry wants to get it up and running, but he does not have time to work on it, between his health and him working as much as he can right now he barely has time to spend with me and have his down time.

I keeping wondering what is going to happen when we have children and if I am pregnant right now, 9 months down the road...I don't want to go into another job just to leave again in less then a year, that is one of my big fears. Also wanting to then be a SAHM at least for the first year.

There is so much that I want, so much to do, but why oh why can't I get with it. I know if I really want to do it I need to set my mind too it, but it just does not seem to work. Oh I don't know anymore. Everyday is a new day with me and who knows what will happen tomorrow. I am not lazy, just unmotivated right now. Someone find my motivation. What do I want to do?

Other then that things here are going good, Terry is almost done with his antibiotics, so in the next few weeks he should be going in to get set up back for home dialysis. That at least will help some, then he won't be having to work until 7 every night since he will be back to full time. A few nights a week I can handle, but everynight is so hard.

Well on a bright note I did have a interview with Home Depot today, the store not their call center or anything, but to get back to face to face customer service, plus something that I don't need to think to much on. Just help people out, not worry about the pressures of a call center. That I know i can't do...call center work.

Well that is it for now...Terry and I are still praying I am pregnant...will be able to take a pg test next week friday to find out, unless my unwanted monthly friend starts...okay well that is it...hope all out there are doing good!

Hugs & Kisses,
Cortney

280 days to go??? Very possible!!!

Well today Terry and I did our first IUI!!! So hopefully in 280 days we will have a little bundle of our own! And I am hoping TWINS!!! We had two follicles so there is a chance for it.

Terry's appointment for the IUI was at 11:15 today, mine 12:45. For awhile there I did not think it was going to happen. We sat in the lobby forever, finally around 1:30 the nurse called me up to the desk, she told me they were having to put Terry's sperm through a swim test...I am just thinking what??? but okay so it will be about another hour, so we left to get lunch.

Got back and around 3 got called back. I asked why it took so long, well Terry's sperm had bacteria in it...LOL go figure! He has bacteria everywhere in his body with this damn infection. So that just goes to tell me he still has this bacteria in his body and is not ready to go back on home dialysis yet. But that is for another post on my fears with that still.

So I was injected and told would have some cramping and possible spotting, but for now on to treat it as I am pregnant! WOOO HOOO I love hearing that, but will be even more happy in about 2 weeks when I can officially test for it as long as good ole Aunt Flo does not show up!

So here it is...the start of hopefully something wonderful to happen with my body, to bring a life into this world, a child or hopefully children that we so desperately want. I pray that God blesses us with conceiveing as I know we would be wonderful parents as we already are with Zachery.

Well I was up all night so excited and nervous about today that I am off to bed now! I will post more later about everything I am feeling...I just wanted to get my first day of possible being pregnant posted. My little zygote(s) I am hoping is(are) transforming in my body right now.

Hugs and Kisses to all that read my blog! May all your dreams come true and please say a little prayer that ours do too!

MUAH
Cortney

Happy Valentines Day!

Well here it is...the day of LOVE!

And I am so happy I have the love of my life. Sure things are not always peaches n cream...but turly how many relationships out there are? One thing I know we do well is communicate. We argue, but we always talk it out. But that is not what today is about!

Today is about LOVE - and loving the one you are with - I could not be happier to have my husband by my side, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health. And trust me I know about SICKNESS!!!

Terry is almost done with his antibiotics! YEAH!!!!! This is a good thing because that means, with all hope and prayers, he should be able to go back on home dialysis until he gets a transplant! His doctor wants to get him switched back to pd(home dialysis) right away. But I am scared of going through everything we went through last year again if we don't make sure the infection is gone. So he goes to see the infectious disease doctor hopefully soon. For those of you that don't know he is not infectious, just picked up this rare bacteria infection in his blood that got in there from taking a shower too soon after he had his first pd catherter put in.

But timing is of most importance right now, because our 2 year anniversary is coming up, I can't believe we have been married 2 years already!!! wow! So we are going to VEGAS, yeah baby! His cousin lives out there...she has been trying to get us out there...well for over 3 years now...lol, so Terry asked for her help to get us out there, she had some airline miles to use and well we are going out and staying with them...so that is a huge savings! :) Thank you DEB!!!

But with Terry going back in the hospital and all of this...well it is going to be tight. How fitting we are going through all of this at the same time last year when it all started. Our newlywed year...wow we have just come so far. We still have not even been on a honeymoon yet...lol I guess Vegas is going to be it! No I am not complaining...but just wish we had the means to travel more and do more.

But today is the day of love...I am in love and so happy to be with my husband.

Here is to wishing all of you out there a Happy Valentines Day, if you don't have anyone to share it with, I am sure the time will come. And for those of you that do, cherish the one you are with today...just a little bit more!

Love & Kiss -
Cortney

PS - if you click the heart below, it will take you to the webpage I did to honor my love!

Rain, Gloom, & Fertility

Well today we start fertility treatment. :(

For those that do not know...and I know there are a lot, Terry & I have been trying to conceive. With Terry in Kidney failure we want to start our family now. Between his health and my lack of ovulations, we have not had an easy time. So we have been seeing a fertility specialist for about a year. Today I had my baseline sonograham done and today start a fertility drug called clomid. Don't worry it won't make me have triplets or more, there is a increase chance of having twins but that is it.

This past month I really thought I was pregnant with out having to go through the specialist, but was not. It is so disappointing when you think you are and just bringing a life into this world and then the huge let down when you are not...I know everyone says you are young, it will happen with time. I am going to be 32 this year, I don't feel any younger and with Terry's health...two years down the road he will be going for a transplant etc...and well my feeling is if we don't start now we will never have kids together.

Yes there is Terry's son Zachery, who I love as my own, but that still does not change us wanting a family together, children we raise as full time parents, not just every other weekend.

I know I sound bitter and venting, but it helps to get it out. Terry and I have each other and if it comes down too it that is all we need. We don't have the funds to adopt nor go any further with fertility treatment then what we are. So if this does not work then it is in God's hands!

Okay well I just had to get that out of me, it is always better to get it out then keep it in.

Now that my head hurts...I need to lay down for a bit...

Finally we have a BLOG!

Finally we are evolving...and getting out onto the web...everyone has the myspace page, but since we already have our own website I did not feel like creating a myspace page when I can do everything on our site - and do the blogging here! But I have to work on our website and get it up and running...but there are so many other things going on!



After hearing Barack Obama's nomination speech yesterday and then re-reading it on his site...I got motivated...motivated to get involved and start to work to get him in office! So please it is never to early to start getting motivated to get ready for a change!



So that is it for this first post...time to get ready for bed and do some work on our home page!