1 week down...1 more to go...

Well today is the end of the first week...possible the first week of being pregnant!!!

I am trying to not overreact it...but since yesterday things have felt different with me. I was crampy then last night I had what appears to have been some very light spotting which means implantation!!! Today I have felt like I have a cold coming on, peeing alot, emotional, and sore bb's. Also tingle to touch...okay TMI to some I am sure.

But I am hopeful this is our month...so is Terry but a lot has been going on with that....so here is a post that I posted in one of my message boards...DH means Dear Husband!

When things can't get any worse...

Okay this may be a bit of a long one...Here is a bit of a time line:

4/2005 = DH & I married5/2005 = DH visits my PCP and blood work comes back showing kidney function "extremely" elavated.

7/2005 = DH dx in kidney failure, find out that kidneys covered in over 85% scar tissue and only functioning at about 17% told to start planning to go onto dialysis in the next 6 months to 2 years

11/2005 = lose DH mother to cancer, possible lupus which would explain DH kidney failure (because at this point they don't know what caused it)

1/2006 = DH numbers rapidly drop to functioning around 11% told going on dialysis within next month3/2006 = first surgery to put pd catherter in, goes in lower abdomen into peritonel cavity.4/2006 = INFECTION FOUND!!!! Remove first put in second.

5/2006 = dialysis not work...pd allows my DH to do it at home, overnight while we sleep, machine is erroring about 15 times a night so we were getting no sleep on top of that the fluid going in was not coming out which is not a good thing.

So at this time DH was always running fevers, looked run down, pale, blue at times, and always chilled. About mid May one evening while out, DH just took a turn for the worse. I mean you could physically see the color just drain from him to looking blue. I took him to the hospital, ER, we got there at about 10 pm, at that time DH had a normal temp, around 2 they rechecked his temp - went up to 101. Finally around 4:30 DH was brought back...he had a fever of 104!!!

He just looked like he was on his death bed, I was crying, upset, etc just too much. I mean all the errors in the ER, first wanting him to open his pd catherter in there, which would cause him to have an even worse infection to trying to get us moved to a room and telling us that transport would be there to move us, so we were moved to the er hall for over an hour. At this point I was going over 24 hours with no sleep and went up to the desk and told them to get him in the room or I will take him there myself.

To which point they got transport down there right away.

For the next few days it was touch and go, he could not break the fever of over 104 degrees. They also changed him from PD to Hemo dialysis, where he has a perma-catherter in his right shoulder. So this meant when he got out of the hospital no more home dialysis, he now needed to go to a dialysis center 3 times a week for treatment for over 4 hours each time.

It really was not fun from March to June. Between me losing jobs because I needed to be there to take care of DH and everything else now DH income will be cut because only being able to work part time.

9/06 = DH has first Perma-catherter replaced. They are only meant to be used for 4 months at a time before they have used their self life.

10/06 = DH 2nd catherter falls out one morning. Wake up to DH telling me to call 911 as it feel out. Turn on the light to see blood everywere. Thank God it was not worse then it was, we were told how lucky he was as the catherter goes into the main artery of his heart, had it done any damage he would have bleed to death. So this counts as near death # 2 on my book for him.

Because of this I lose another job, that I loved and had no warning. They told me they understood what I was going through and supported me so to go in and pick up work to take home and get fired just devestated me.Since putting in the 3rd catherter everything has been fine. DH is almost done with his anitbiotics so he can't wait to get back on PD....this is where I have just been so depressed about...

Yesterday DH and I went to see one of the Doctors that has been dealing with the labs on this infection. The one thing I remember and I kept telling DH about is that once he finishes the antibiotics the infection may still be there. He is not contigious or anything but this infection he got is very rare and VERY hard to kill off.

So when we meet the doctor, she only thought it was about him getting cleared to be put on the transplant list. Which is something else that upsets me...and she said she wanted to watch him over the next 3 months to see how he does as they really don't have a way to test for the infection.

When DH said he also wants to go back on PD asap, she looked frazzled and said you know that after having this infection it is very possible PD won't work for you. To which DH said he knew. This is the first I have heard of this. So that has me upset. I don't want to go through what I went through last year. The doctor said they would be able to find out sooner if he did go back on PD if the infection is gone, because it will flare up again.

So all I am thinking of if the first time did not kill him this time will. And with me just doing my first IUI and then possible having to go through all of this. It is just so upsetting and really has be down. I don't want to lose my husband, he is only 30 years old and has so much to live for. I know he is positive which is good but I just don't know if I have the strength to watch him go through this again. Specially when I have no really support around. No one understands what him or I are going through.

I know I need to meet some support groups for this, but with the PCOS and Infertility part I need support here too.

Thank you for reading...I just want DH to be okay. I know how bad he wants to go back on PD and I do to...I just want more reissurance that it will work and he will be okay.

{{{HUGS}}}Cortney

Since I wrote this, this AM, Terry saw his doctor and asked him about if the infection is still there if it could be worse then the first time. His doctor told him it is possible. In order to tell if he still has the infection is takes 6 weeks to tell...I just don't want to lose him. So I have been a basket case all day. I know how bad he wants this and I want him to do what he will be happy with...I just don't want to lose him and I am scared and it is hard to get him to understand that.

Well here's to 1 week and one more to go....

Love,
Cortney