Can we get some good news ever???

So today we got some bad news in regards to Terry’s health. About 7 months ago when Terry and I went for an eye exam, the doctor informed Terry that the blood vessels in his eyes were enlarged; possible meaning that something (like a tumor) was constricting them. So Terry was referred to a neuro ophthalmologist. For a few weeks I was freaking out about what else could go wrong. I mean we were just figuring out how to deal with his kidney failure and now this a possible brain tumor. So Terry was sent for a scan etc. So for a few weeks it was just nail biting trying to figure out what was going on. Not to mention me being a basket case, crying how I don’t want to lose him…WHICH I don’t! So when the results came back they did not locate any tumor. So we were relieved but the doctor warned just because nothing was detected does not mean there is nothing there so Terry was scheduled for a follow up visit for today. Well the eye test shows that there has been and ever so slight change to Terry’s view of vision, his blind spot is getting bigger. So flags are going up again, plus the vessels are still enlarged.

So what does that mean now…Terry has to go for a spinal tap in the next few weeks and then a visit for the results in 5 weeks. They need to check the pressure in Terry’s spine and eyes to see what is going on. I understand the better be safe then sorry, but really how much can one couple go through.

I mean a failed IUI and clomid round, then finding out about how going back on home dialysis might not work, to figuring out when to go ahead with the surgery to get that started back up and the fear of that infection flaring up and now this, still the possibility that he has a tumor or some sort of fluid build up in his brain. Could explain a lot of things I guess. KIDDING…for the most part! J

I just don’t know what to do…to top it all off Terry and I have been so sick this week with coughing, sore throats etc…I just want to stay in bed the rest of the week with him and make everything better.

I mean the next few months are just not going to be easy. With him going for a spinal tap which has to be done before April 4th when we leave for Vegas to coming back and him going right into the hospital for the catheter change and then getting the results of the spinal tap to watching him for this infection to flare up, April and May just are not going to be pretty. I fear I am going to have a nervous break down of some sort. I know I am strong…but even the strongest person has a breaking point.

My dreams of being a Mother are being put on hold, this time I think it will be for awhile, I just can’t see trying to bring a child into this world with everything that Terry and I are dealing with. I guess that is part of the reason God has not yet blessed us with children together. He knows I have enough on my plate dealing with Terry and who knows what might happen down the road.

I am trying to stay positive about his health and support him…but I need support too. I just want to cry, scream and shout sometimes how life is not fair and why is God doing this to us. I just want someone to listen to me and my fears and understand where I am coming from. Terry hates it when I get down because he stays so positive it will always work out. Rarely have I seen him get scared, or down or even depressed about what he is dealing with. That is why I really believe sometimes he is not dealing with it. Still when I get like this I can’t ask him for support…I am suppose to be supporting him not the other way around. Plus he does not know how it feels on my end.

I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I just feel like curling up in bed and sleeping and waking up to everything being perfect. Oh why oh why can’t it be that way…where is my fairy Godmother to grant me all my wishes. Where is that angel that is supposed to be watching over me, watching over us?

I know I should change my thinking to feeling blessed about what I do have, which is more then some. I am blessed with a very loving husband who would give the world to me if I asked. I have a loving step son who means the world to me. I have a roof over us and food in the fridge. We may not have much money but we have enough to survive.

Terry may be ill, he may not be with me till we are old and gray, who knows I may pass before him. It just reminds me days like today that no matter what, you never know what life has in store for you. You only live once, do what you want; say what you have to say and live with no regrets for tomorrow may never come. Never pass on the chance to tell someone you love them or you are sorry or thank them for what they have done. Forgive those that have done you wrong and let go of the hurt that you hang onto because I know it does nothing but bring more sorrow.

So with that being said…I am sorry for all of those in my life that I have ever caused any pain by my words, actions, etc.

For those of you that have done me wrong that I hold onto that pain trying to figure out why you would do that to me, I forgive you and at the same time I thank you for what every memories we made.

I don’t regret anything about my life, if I had to do it all over again I would do it the same. From now on I choose to live…and live for my husband and do what every we can to enjoy our lives together however long it may be.

Live Love & Laugh the 3 L’s to live by!
XOXO
Cortney